quiet room

What does it take to be a meditation teacher?

thusness — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:32:33 +0000

What does it take to guide in meditation?

trust the guidance and set forth, meet the unknown

thusness — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:12:12 +0000

i am not sure, you know.
there seems to be lots of knowledge to read and sort out. in order to get my views right and clear. especially Buddhism. and also to be exactly clear why and what am i doing, if i continue to serve in the school.

deep down, i am afraid i am leading myself astray, diverting from the path of truth i am seeking.
i am afraid i am feeling and thinking wrongly.

love is not enough. love and wisdom go hand in hand, each one offering a hand to each other when one gets lost.

xxx

as days go by, i am starting to look forward to do something useful, viz service in the school, viz assisting my teacher.

i look forward to settle down and start consolidating and organising the knowledge… not only for school curriculum, but also my own exploration and research… this is exciting.

i pray that the path of doing my karma is smooth.. let me not meet any more setbacks… let me do the work i am meant to do…

and i do love my teacher. coz of what she has offered to me in the hardest times of those years..

and i look forward to do the work of love.

i pray to continue meeting and serving my clients.

i pray to keep uncovering and discovering. to keep transforming and clearing.

xxx

open palms and masala chai

thusness — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 19:54:36 +0000

Sitting with what came up in the divination session with my teacher, the calmness of lake is still unperturbed. I am happy with the possibility of job offer, it seems too good to be true, after the long course of dejection and rejection. However it is too early to celebrate, coz impermanence can struck anytime and everything reduced to nil. After suffering much broken hearts and dis-illusionments, my heart is faintly open but at least i am peaceful.

I realise how much i need to know if my teacher love me enough to walk with me through my darkness and ugly moments. I didn’t know i have been waiting to hear from her until the session yesterday. I really longed for and prayed for a teacher who will hold me in navigating the ocean of mind and life. A mentor. A guru.

She said there is so much warmth from me, from my heart, and she cried the whole session. Love, heart aches, tears and all. What’s new?

Does she really know my heart?

I don’t want to think so much. Nor feel too much. Any wave can sweep all dreams away, any wind can shatter all fragile attempts to spread wings and take flight.

xxx

I like the sweetness of her being. Purity of heart. A simple nature. Gentleness. Warm demeanour.

Like taking a slow quiet walk together. Mindful, reflective.

I hope my heart can receive the presence of one more person. And i can tuck the memories of this last person in its rightful position, memories remaining only as memories, not hopes. I don’t have to be dedicated to her, we are not in any of those relationships. I am not binded, not obligated.

xxx

the cny weekend and week seem long. i wonder how and where i will find myself.
i wonder what i will say.

xxx

i don’t believe in anyone, nor disbelieve. nothing really mean much to me.
HHDL awakens my dharma, my vows, maybe he also showed my roots. Maybe this is the only meaning left.
there’s lots of tears, coz life becomes so uncertain, undetermined. and i am feeling really small and fragile.
in a way, open and vulnerable too.

活在今天。

thusness — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 14:47:58 +0000

我相信世上没有什么人或物是必然的、无可或缺的。

今天，我继续地咳。不知道药是有效还是无效。也不知道明天会怎样。我活在自己的世界里，享受如是的状态。明天还没到来。吃着妈妈一早准备好的粥，一连三天了，还是很可口。

咳嗽药让我晕晕的，我偷偷地享受片刻的休息。

今天，我把旅行包整理得一半。爸爸买了新的旅行箱，还好我没买。

不知道去了印度会怎样，也不敢去想。不知道从印度回来会怎样，不敢去想。我就停滞在此刻。

purification…

thusness — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 18:07:16 +0000

i have been coughing for a week now. and it bewilders me the long duration of this sickness. it forces me not to do anything productive for more than a week, except to read some books. i feel really ill-effective, especially when i have do away the plan i had about completing the reports for my certification.
.
this illness has me reflecting somewhat. i did not seem to get out of my own trapping, of life patterns, of thinking patterns, of emotional patterns. there are less self-pity and lamenting, coz what’s the point?!
.
i got away from all my friends, all social engagements, .. and i wanted to erase all my emotional investments in the School, the Teacher, the classmates as well. a clean cut. i felt desolated. a strong deep desolation is what’s keeping my illness. a desolation about life, my life.
.
i cried hard one afternoon, sensing the deep fear in me, about living life. about living a life in this modern city where i can’t keep up and i can’t align. human beings don’t have many choices do we?
.
i comforted myself that i am getting away to the sacred spot that will help me connect with the Buddha the closest. yet i panick at the condition of the journey and the state of health i am in.
.
no one really knows what will happen next. next year, next day, next minute. and the uncertainty of life throws any one into deep anxiety, panic.
.
i want to let go of everything and start all over. this is not the first time i am coming round a circle to start over. it feels a kind of spring, a freshness of life, unburdening.

some apologies do not mend the crack.

thusness — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 11:05:06 +0000

feeling sad still. the broken reality of a relationship. how does relationship really work? does all relationship work? not all people can be friends with each other. but how does things fall apart? not all people can be good friends, intimate partners with each other. can we, can i settle for most relationships to be good well-wishing acquaintances? i guess, what more can i ask for? or should i suspect, something in me that needs to change?

the dying and passing of a relationship coz of terrible feelings involved, like an argument, a confession of hurt and apologies.. and still, some apologies do not mend the hole, the crack.

some people are at different levels of maturity to sustain a relationship, to manage their own emotions. so many of us are wounded people, in one way or another, and seeking comfortable people to be with, comfortable relationship to hang on in. some of us seek growth, many of us do not. we just want to remain status quo and let the relationship be nice, sweet and cheery, even if it means pretending to be so.

i still feel sad. it’s even ok that she ignores me. it’s not even my fault. but that’s the way it turns out, that’s the way she chooses to react, that i chose to react.. wrong turn, wrong chemistry. not that i ever dream of great hopes and turns of event between us.

有些人，有些事，就是不能勉强。

因缘。

Old pains

thusness — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 20:50:04 +0000

yes, i feel upset. very upset. she’s rejecting me.
my heart shakes, my whole being withdraws, contracts.
i don’t want to be hurt and face outright rejection.
i withdraw first.
i don’t want to initiate any more contacts, conversations with her.

feel demeaned. as if she is passing a judgement

” we are very different. i can try be your friend and talk to you. but i am skeptical if our friendship can go any far.”

” i don’t really want to be your friend. too difficult, too troublesome, inconvenient, you have no value in my life, and our correspondence/ acquaintance/friendship does not serve me any purpose. coz we are too different.”

” i don’t see why you bother. but don’t try too hard. coz i am not going to try and make myself understand you nor make myself be understood.”
.

i don’t believe any one wants to be my friend. coz none of them did when i was young in school.