Sitting with what came up in the divination session with my teacher, the calmness of lake is still unperturbed. I am happy with the possibility of job offer, it seems too good to be true, after the long course of dejection and rejection. However it is too early to celebrate, coz impermanence can struck anytime and everything reduced to nil. After suffering much broken hearts and dis-illusionments, my heart is faintly open but at least i am peaceful.
I realise how much i need to know if my teacher love me enough to walk with me through my darkness and ugly moments. I didn’t know i have been waiting to hear from her until the session yesterday. I really longed for and prayed for a teacher who will hold me in navigating the ocean of mind and life. A mentor. A guru.
She said there is so much warmth from me, from my heart, and she cried the whole session. Love, heart aches, tears and all. What’s new?
Does she really know my heart?
I don’t want to think so much. Nor feel too much. Any wave can sweep all dreams away, any wind can shatter all fragile attempts to spread wings and take flight.
xxx
I like the sweetness of her being. Purity of heart. A simple nature. Gentleness. Warm demeanour.
Like taking a slow quiet walk together. Mindful, reflective.
I hope my heart can receive the presence of one more person. And i can tuck the memories of this last person in its rightful position, memories remaining only as memories, not hopes. I don’t have to be dedicated to her, we are not in any of those relationships. I am not binded, not obligated.
xxx
the cny weekend and week seem long. i wonder how and where i will find myself.
i wonder what i will say.
xxx
i don’t believe in anyone, nor disbelieve. nothing really mean much to me.
HHDL awakens my dharma, my vows, maybe he also showed my roots. Maybe this is the only meaning left.
there’s lots of tears, coz life becomes so uncertain, undetermined. and i am feeling really small and fragile.
in a way, open and vulnerable too.
.
