i am not sure, you know.
there seems to be lots of knowledge to read and sort out. in order to get my views right and clear. especially Buddhism. and also to be exactly clear why and what am i doing, if i continue to serve in the school.

deep down, i am afraid i am leading myself astray, diverting from the path of truth i am seeking.
i am afraid i am feeling and thinking wrongly.

love is not enough. love and wisdom go hand in hand, each one offering a hand to each other when one gets lost.

xxx

as days go by, i am starting to look forward to do something useful, viz service in the school, viz assisting my teacher.

i look forward to settle down and start consolidating and organising the knowledge… not only for school curriculum, but also my own exploration and research… this is exciting.

i pray that the path of doing my karma is smooth.. let me not meet any more setbacks… let me do the work i am meant to do…

and i do love my teacher. coz of what she has offered to me in the hardest times of those years..

and i look forward to do the work of love.

i pray to continue meeting and serving my clients.

i pray to keep uncovering and discovering. to keep transforming and clearing.

xxx

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Sitting with what came up in the divination session with my teacher, the calmness of lake is still unperturbed. I am happy with the possibility of job offer, it seems too good to be true, after the long course of dejection and rejection. However it is too early to celebrate, coz impermanence can struck anytime and everything reduced to nil. After suffering much broken hearts and dis-illusionments, my heart is faintly open but at least i am peaceful.

I realise how much i need to know if my teacher love me enough to walk with me through my darkness and ugly moments. I didn’t know i have been waiting to hear from her until the session yesterday. I really longed for and prayed for a teacher who will hold me in navigating the ocean of mind and life. A mentor. A guru.

She said there is so much warmth from me, from my heart, and she cried the whole session. Love, heart aches, tears and all. What’s new?

Does she really know my heart?

I don’t want to think so much. Nor feel too much. Any wave can sweep all dreams away, any wind can shatter all fragile attempts to spread wings and take flight.

xxx

I like the sweetness of her being. Purity of heart. A simple nature. Gentleness. Warm demeanour.

Like taking a slow quiet walk together. Mindful, reflective.

I hope my heart can receive the presence of one more person. And i can tuck the memories of this last person in its rightful position, memories remaining only as memories, not hopes. I don’t have to be dedicated to her, we are not in any of those relationships. I am not binded, not obligated.

xxx

the cny weekend and week seem long. i wonder how and where i will find myself.
i wonder what i will say.

xxx

i don’t believe in anyone, nor disbelieve. nothing really mean much to me.
HHDL awakens my dharma, my vows, maybe he also showed my roots. Maybe this is the only meaning left.
there’s lots of tears, coz life becomes so uncertain, undetermined. and i am feeling really small and fragile.
in a way, open and vulnerable too.

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