i have been coughing for a week now. and it bewilders me the long duration of this sickness. it forces me not to do anything productive for more than a week, except to read some books. i feel really ill-effective, especially when i have do away the plan i had about completing the reports for my certification.
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this illness has me reflecting somewhat. i did not seem to get out of my own trapping, of life patterns, of thinking patterns, of emotional patterns. there are less self-pity and lamenting, coz what’s the point?!
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i got away from all my friends, all social engagements, .. and i wanted to erase all my emotional investments in the School, the Teacher, the classmates as well. a clean cut. i felt desolated. a strong deep desolation is what’s keeping my illness. a desolation about life, my life.
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i cried hard one afternoon, sensing the deep fear in me, about living life. about living a life in this modern city where i can’t keep up and i can’t align. human beings don’t have many choices do we?
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i comforted myself that i am getting away to the sacred spot that will help me connect with the Buddha the closest. yet i panick at the condition of the journey and the state of health i am in.
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no one really knows what will happen next. next year, next day, next minute. and the uncertainty of life throws any one into deep anxiety, panic.
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i want to let go of everything and start all over. this is not the first time i am coming round a circle to start over. it feels a kind of spring, a freshness of life, unburdening.
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